Update About Me: My 3 Fears
It is unbelievable that we are already in mid June, this year has flown by and my last update about me was in Feb. This post was a bit harder for me to write, but facing my fears is part of growing up and hopefully part of my journey of looking up and moving forward. It was hard for me to hit publish but here goes.
See my previous update post here
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Since than, things are still progressing and this next month will probably be the biggest change. Things will finalize and I will be moving (still in Chicago) but into a small space and a new beginning. I’ve been struggling with a few things and thought I would share. It’s a difficult space to be but I find it therapeutic to share on my blog and to be open and honest with everyone. Things look like it’s perfect online, on this blog, on my instagram, and if you peak, my instagram stories of what I do daily. Don’t get me wrong – I get to do awesome things and I love it. I LOVE what I do. But I still have struggles and fears and they have been taking up a lot of space in my head and heart.
As it was Father’s Day yesterday and Mother’s Day was last month, I felt sad. I’ve been in a sad mode, which I think is normal. Trying to keep up with the blog and instagram is tough at times, what’s on the outside isn’t exactly how I’m feeling on the inside. What is helping is that I’m motivated to confront the sadness, share my fears and move forward hopefully with a more open heart and make better decisions.
#1) Fear of being alone. I hate being by myself and I haven’t been single since I was 16. After having kids, it is rare to be alone. The past year has been a HUGE transition. Having my kids 50% of the time, being alone on certain holidays, and even figuring out what to do during my alone time. I’m an over scheduler so for months, I packed my schedule with nights out, dinners, friends, events. I finally felt exhausted and worn down the past month. I’m facing my fear of being alone by making myself not go out, be by myself, and talking about it. My biggest reflection, it’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where I feel alone.
#2) Fear of failure – This year has been full of changes. In my career and in my life. There are times where I feel like I failed at marriage, failed my kids, failed my family. I hate failing . . . I’m trying hard to change the perspective in my head. It takes two to make things work, my kids have and will see a happier mom and woman, and my family is always there for me. Without failure, I wouldn’t know or feel what success is.
#3) Fear of love – This one is hard for me to overcome for now. I’m questioning all that I’ve experienced. Is love forever? Is love something I’m capable of again? There’s a lot I miss in being in a relationship, but a lot I don’t that was hard and sad. I see things differently now, and to be honest, I’d be a better partner today than I was the past few years. Confronting my faults, mistakes I made, and being alone is teaching me to look at what I can improve on. I’m taking time to still do more reflection, but I’m still closed to many things. I think time will help my fear of the next step and taking things slowly to figure things out. When a heart feels broken it is hard to love. It isn’t whole yet and it is time to try to make it whole again. I was in this relationship for ten+ years and memories of our time in San Francisco, New York, and moving here still remain in my memory bank. Deciphering the good and bad, the realness of not having him, has hit me more this past month than before. I guess being alone can do that to you. Facing the facts is a hard one.
A lot of the same themes are still running through my head as my last update in Feb. But there’s a lot of clarity that has come from the last few months. I am labeling what I can work on and that is the first step.
Things I’ve been doing to get a handle on my fears:
#1) acupuncture – last week I did this at Lateral Fitness. I felt relaxed, great and a balanced more than I had been. Trying to do this when I can as a remedy.
#2) spa and wellness – I’m taking steps to take care of myself. The Four Seasons has been great to extend massages, my facials with Leah Chavie have been AMAZING (miracle worker for my problem skin) and I tried my first botox session with Dr. Shah (this post about botox to come this week). Many of you asked about Leah – if you book her and mention me you get 30% off. I do love looking good and it makes me feel better. As I age, I’m making sure I age well.
#3) staying connected to friends – this is something I do everyday and every week. I have a trip to LA with two girlfriends coming up that I’m so excited about.
#4) traveling – you see from my blog I’ve been trying to expand into more travels. For the summer, I want to enjoy it here in Chicago, but hoping for more as I figure out my schedule, life and finances.
Working on fitting in a fitness regime, meditation, and my food diet. These are very important for me to work in as I’ve been avoiding these three things and it’s time for me to work on my mind and body more.
Below is a quote I read that I loved. Trying to be strong, happy and believe in the future.
If you like these updates, let me know. It’s hard for me to write, but I hope it can help someone out there not feel alone if you struggle with the same issues in a different capacity.
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RSRW-audrey-printable; this is a printable quote so that if you tap the below you can print it out and frame it!