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So I was asked recently by a few followers on Instagram, “What do you REALLY struggle with?” and this one is a tough one. Although I’m a “public” person, I still have some things I keep to myself. My separation and divorce was something I kept private for a while and unless you are close to me, you really didn’t see the struggles I went through. I had TOUGH days, so tough I didn’t get out of bed and at one point I had bills piling up and cried every day, but NO ONE knew online. I posted cute clothes, fun nights out, and tried to maintain a positive attitude and show that I could get through it.
Lately, I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback on my transparency regarding my life, balance, and dating. I love hearing from everyone and it means so much to me that people see me for just being me. I don’t like fake people so I’m not fake. I struggle with stuff just like everyone, but I’m also very aware of how fortunate I am to be where I am and have the income to afford my life. Money doesn’t buy happiness but money can buy an easier life and sometimes give you opportunities to pursue your passions.
So it got me thinking about what I’m struggling with and here goes, I’ll open up about what keeps me up at night and hopefully, you can relate to what I’m thinking about. And I really do want to hear from you, shoot me an email (which I love getting) or a DM (direct message) on Instagram!
{#1} Anxiety – so I’ve talked about this before but I suffer from anxiety ALL THE TIME. Like I haven’t slept well in 10 years anxiety. Previously my anxiety was about my ex and working on T&J Designs, I desperately wanted our relationship to go a certain way and I was overworked. I put too much on my plate and would spin out of control. PLUS, I went to events, blogged, had two babies. Yes, I am crazy but in some ways, I am motivated by crazy goals. Well lately, my anxiety has been about dating, money, and work. I’ll get into the dating portion later, but working for yourself does not help with anxiety. Negotiating, pitching and getting turned down for deals takes a toll on your self-esteem and pocketbook. Being an entrepreneur is a full-time gig and when you do social media for a living, they are saying no to you as a person lol. I mean there is no separation from work and yourself. I am my work! It’s just hard to let go and I’m learning too. Part of me traveling so much is to relax and explore and take time to do self-care. Traveling makes me happy so I’m doing it quite often these days.
On my agenda is downloading one of those meditating apps (any suggestions?) and getting back on my routine of working out which has dropped since I’ve been out of town. Doing yoga helped me feel better and more focused. I’m always working on my anxiety, it’s a constant thing, but lately, it’s been more stressful. So what you see online, is a happier version of myself, but I stress out about content and keeping it up. I haven’t seen anyone (therapist) about it for two reasons. #1 I don’t have the extra money to be seeing a therapist about my anxiety and taking pills to help me isn’t what I prefer. #2 I’m tired of therapy, we saw a marriage therapist for years and I’m not a fan (currently) in seeing one. So there’s some transparency for ya. For now, I’ll continue to live with it, take melatonin when it gets really bad for sleep, and start mediation and yoga (again).
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{2} Money Management – this year has been full of learnings and I’m still learning to manage my own money. My income fluctuates based on deals I have, but as we all know, what’s fixed is rent, cable, utilities, and food, gosh life is just expensive, lol! Money creates anxiety for me and I’m sure most of you. Every month I hope to make a certain amount so that fixed items are covered and any additional can be saved in case I have none coming in the next month etc. But what happens is, my deals are net 30, or I have a large amount of cost one month and not the other. Last year, the divorce, moving into a brand new apartment, buying all my bedroom furniture and my kids and all the miscellaneous things cost me a lot. It has taken the past 8 months to settle in and start getting a good handle on my finances and I’m still learning. Lately, a lot of my travels are sponsored (but I purchase my plane ticket and some additional costs are here and there), but blogging also has many costs you don’t see. Clothing, accessories, ubers, food, photography, travel, server hosts, my blog, an assistant, etc. things add up and it’s hard to keep up. As with any business, there are costs associated to run it. When month(s) are slower I stress out and a few months this year have been extremely slow but I still have to create content to keep the wheels moving.
I worry about money, I want to make sure my kids still get to do things they love and I have a great life as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining or thinking I’m worse off than anyone else as I consider myself REALLY lucky. I’m doing well, but money is always in the back of my mind and the biggest fear of all is running out of it. How will I keep this up? This question keeps me up at night. I know I’m ok, but I think this also drives me to work harder to achieve my goals. Failure is not an option.
The truth. . .there was a time in my separation where I had like $5 in my bank account. I won’t go into details of what life was like and why that was, but things were terrible in my personal life and not many people know what I went through. I was scared, sad, and trying to figure out how I would make it work for my kids. I sold a few handbags I had purchased in the past to get by and relied on my credit card. I still remember those months and it was hard to keep up online that things were great but I certainly was not ready to open up about everything. It was an incredibly hard time last year. So the key thing to remember is, what things look like online is not real life. It is a filtered lens and it’s what I want to show you. The hardest part is keeping it up when things are more difficult in life.
{3} Commitment – So I guess this is where love and dating come into play. I realized maybe I was having bad dates or not going on more than 1-2 dates because of my fear of commitment. This was a recent revelation and a good one for me to face. I use to be that girl that had boyfriends one after the other and since my divorce, I’ve been avoiding a relationship or closeness. I’m highly aware now on dates of signs/things I don’t love and tend to make decisions quickly. I don’t have the time to waste and do love dating, but I’m not rushing into anything without really making sure. So I guess, I’m evaluating this one, am I afraid of commitment or have I not met the right person?
Committing to me means not seeing other people . . .right? And saying I want to spend all my time or majority of my time on this one person is a HUGE step for me and I want to make sure it is the right person. I do not want to spend my time on anyone that clearly isn’t right for me. So this is a work in progress and maybe I’ll loosen up a bit on it and let someone in soon :).
{4} Trust – So this leads into the next thing. My lack of trust has nothing to do with cheating or anything drastic that happened in my last relationship but more on trusting myself. I question everything I’m doing these days, from work to dating, to being a parent. For a while, I was super disappointed in myself for failing at marriage, for not seeing things clearly, and wondering if I was constantly making the wrong decisions. Do I choose the wrong people, do I make wrong career decisions, do I not discipline my kids right, am I making the right financial decisions? All these are constantly in my head (hence, anxiety) and I’m working on trusting myself again. Even in friendships, I realized I had tons of friends, but were they the right ones? Were they there when I was packing and signing papers and moving? Did they ask how I was? Did they care about me or did they care about the next dinner or party I was attending. I started questioning what true friendship was.
That leads to now, I’ve gotten better on these struggles. I feel the best I have felt in a while and I love being alone! Surprise right? If you read my previous post on my fears (see post here), I’ve overcome my fear of being alone, I still fear failure, but I don’t fear love now, it’s progressed into committing to the right person. It’s crazy as I wrote that post almost a year ago in the midst of the divorce, still living in my big house and so much has changed since then.
Well, ladies, these are my latest struggles and all in all, I feel good. All my travels have balanced me and I am happy. As each day happens, I have a solid positive outlook that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. For those of you that have reached out to me before about your own marriage struggles, I hope I can help in some way inspire you that things can get better. Reach out anytime! xoxo
