I’m in my head a lot, I’m a thinker, an analyzer and with time on my hands at home these days, I realized how far I had come since being divorced. It’s been over a year since that official D day, and 2 years of being single . . .my goal in life is to always learn from the past and to hopefully just do better. So these 10 things I learned are things I need to be in my next relationship and (hopefully) helpful to you if you are breaking up, divorcing, or even evaluating your own relationship and where it is headed. I write more or less to make you think about how to make things work, what to think about and hopefully get you communicating to whomever you are with to make it better! I love LOVE and wish it upon everyone including myself. I was hopeful in 2020 to find a good partner, but let’s just say, for now, it’s been put on hold (as I sit by myself at home).
{1} Be prepared for the unknown; expect that nothing will go the way you think! Divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and the emotions and what was said or not said are things I just couldn’t prepare for. As a wife and mother, I thought I knew what may happen but it was harder, a lot rougher emotionally and financially. I didn’t really know the process or how to do it, but I’ve seen in my own journey and heard from many others, the person you once loved becomes someone you don’t know at all and this was true for me.
Life, in general, is very different than I ever imagined as a child. I dreamt of marriage and happiness ever after and yes, some may experience this, but my life journey has felt like a Six Flags roller coaster and with each bump, there was a learning. I don’t regret much, I sit in my home and look back at my life as a journey. My openness to life and adventure is due to my over planning in the past. Even blogging was an unexpected turn, who knew I’d be sitting here writing and sharing for a living! I now embrace change and the unexpected with open arms.
{2} Appreciation is a MUST from both sides to maintain a long relationship. Not only in my marriage but many many others. The #1 complaint I’ve heard is the lack of appreciation in a relationship. This is something I have really reflected on in being alone. I didn’t appreciate enough and in my next relationship, this is something I will definitely communicate more in.
{3} Being alone is better than being unhappy together. I felt very alone in the last few years with my ex. This loneliness had me depressed, anxiety-ridden and unhappy. Adjusting to life by myself and the kids, and having control of my life has made me happier. I think my fear of jumping into another relationship is the fact that I’m pretty happy now.
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{4} Learn to do things from your partner or everyday things. This is in line with appreciation. So just knowing how something is done, gives you a better appreciation when someone else does it. Because I now have to do so much by myself, I know how time-consuming or just a pain some house or car stuff is. Plus, if I knew how to do it, I wouldn’t have to feel helpless at times lol! I always say to my friends, I’d be a much better wife today than I was. Learning how to do things myself definitely enables me to appreciate someone else who will help me one day.
{5} Listen to who you are dating . . . are there clues that they may not accept certain things about you or struggle with things and will this be a life long nagging that won’t change? Hear who they are and don’t ignore things. Are you a good listener – is your significant other a good listener? I love connecting so this is an important step in a relationship to me.
{6} Know what your dealbreakers are but be open to possibilities. I know my dealbreakers now, based on time and experience. I’m much more aware of signs of these traits early on in dating. I’m a runner now . . . so my goal this year was to be more open and to figure out what I can really be ok with and what are for certain dealbreakers. Instead of running away, I’m taking the time to listen, get to know someone and be open to the possibility that someone can be deeper than the first date. I went on a lot of bad first dates and did not give many more than 1-2 dates. I’ve gotten better though. . . this is something I’m still working on (being more open).
{7} Know what type of relationship you want and are able to communicate it. I crave a partnership and not a “taking care” situation. Not everyone wants the same. Some men are old fashion and want to “take care” of the woman. Some men want that “AND” a career-driven woman. These days, there are so many expectations tossed left and right, but the discussion of the same type of relationship is really important. Being able to connect, wanting a similar type of relationship and seeing that each person has their strengths is a key component to having a great partnership. I want a blend of things, partnership, chivalry, and a balance of things within the relationship and home. I hope to find someone who is on the same page and also knows himself.
{8} I love open communication. Figure out what type of communication you need in a relationship. I’ve seen two avoiders marry each other, I’ve seen very connected married couples, I’ve seen an avoider marry a confrontational person. You must know what you need and if it will work with who you are with. Communication is everything and having an understanding of differences and being able to talk through things helps build a strong relationship.
{9} We “want” the same things. Lifestyle, goals, direction in family, where we want to live, etc. As we grow older this is even more apparent in dating. Some love to stay home and want to live in the suburbs. I’m making sure the person I’m with likes to go out but also loves cities. In regards, finances are a big one. For those that have never been married, you would be SHOCKED that every couple fights about money. Whether or not you have it, how you spend it, how they spend it, how things are done always cause some type of argument. Make sure you are both on the same page. This was a tough subject for us and very little solutions ended up happening. Talking and following through is a big thing for me, so communication once again is key.
{10} Who I am. Period. I am an amazing partner and whoever comes into my life will appreciate all of me. I’ve had dates where they judge what I do, comment about what I wear, tell me I’m intimidating, too much, too direct, too everything. I really evaluated myself the past few years and for just a minute, just a minute, I thought, maybe I’m too much, maybe I should adjust. I realized shortly after, if someone doesn’t love and see me for who I am, they don’t need to be in my life. And whoever I find, I want to embrace them all as well! I wish the same for everyone, changing someone is really hard, so if big things need to be changed, it is likely this will be a sticking point.
I write these as a therapy to myself but also hope to help anyone that reads the blog. In the past few years, many of you have told me your struggles and I hope that whatever I learn in evaluating myself will help you. XOXO.
This about me section has some more posts like this!
*additional advice: If you are getting a divorce, learn to be kind to your ex. Help them with things as at one time, you loved each other. See them as good people, it doesn’t take a lot to help or point them in the right direction because in the end that good energy will be returned. We have kids, I will always help my ex, I want what’s best for him and you know why? Because I still care. He is my kid’s dad, I loved him for 10 years, and it doesn’t mean I just toss that aside. We are forever bonded by my children and its important my kids see that we are good to each other. With patience and hard work, we’ve gotten to a good place and it feels good that my kids see that.
