So believe me, you can totally ignore this post if you think WTH is Jen giving me dating advice (LOL), but I get messages daily about dating! Due to those questions, I thought this post would helpful and hopefully motivate you, brilliant ladies, that there is someone out there for you! 15 pieces of dating advice I followed and learned myself.
In addition, you guys loved hearing my dating stories in the past so I tried to put a little story behind some of the advice. It has been wonderful having Jim in my life. DATING IS EXHAUSTING but so are relationships. It takes work and nothing is perfect. So my advice here is what I’ve learned from my own experiences. It definitely doesn’t mean I have all the answers. Just this week, I’ve had difficulties, but I choose to be true to myself. I love to help where I can and so this post is for all the ladies that write to me about their dating difficulties.
My current state of happiness was due to lots of work the past 3 years on myself and I hope to help whoever loves reading my blog as well! To me happiness is not having a man in my life, it is making sure I’m happy first.
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{1} Know your worth.
The #1 piece of advice I give daily. A lot are focusing on the wrong thing, the guy! Focus on yourself, who is worth your time, who is treating you right, and who is putting in action to be interested in you. Men are attracted to confidence and a woman that feels comfortable in being single or attached.
I’ve been told by dates that I seem comfortable with everything I am. Extra, demanding, stressed, Type A. . . yes, I am. And I only wanted to be with someone that appreciated that. Several dates told me my job and I were intimidating. What I said was, “next”. I’m not afraid to be alone, so that to me is worth more than being a bad relationship.
{2} “If you want to find ‘the one’, be the one (@createthelove).
Obsessed with this quote and goes along with #1. I truly feel like some of my past relationships failed as I wasn’t fulfilling everything I was as a person. I wasn’t happy about certain things that translated into my life. As I took the time to find more of who I was, I found myself happier and happier. The happier I was the less disappointed I was on a bad date, bad communication, or shady men. I wasn’t looking for ‘the one’. I was dating, having fun, and if someone came along that really added to my life, I would then figure out if I was able to be in a relationship. I wasn’t solely focused on having a boyfriend.
It’s ok to be looking for a boyfriend, just remember that pushing a man too hard to commit or putting a ton of pressure about marriage may result in them running. Remember it’s the man behind the lens of the word “boyfriend” or “husband” that matters. How do you feel about him and vice versa? Do you have the same life goals? Are you both on the same page? Take the time you need to really get to know someone, cause a lot of people shock the hell out of me after a while.
I don’t necessarily believe in ‘the one’ but I do believe in numbers (date frequently) and that there are people in life that will give as you give.
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{3} Try to facetime before going on the date.
During COVID, I had a few facetime chats. Man, eye-opener! I’m all about chemistry and I could tell immediately even over facetime if I could see that person or not. A few facetime chats were just ridiculous. Asking me to be their COVID buddy without asking me many questions, asking personal sexual questions, etc. They knew nothing about me to be asking me to commit to being their COVID partner. . . please.
I love a man that can carry a conversation, prepares for a facetime chat like a date (one wore sweats and hadn’t shaved for weeks, yuck), and a 30 min. conversation over facetime can tell you a lot!
{4} He should plan the date, time, and place and pay for the first date.
If you are still going out with dates (it is everyone’s personal decision), make sure he does the planning. If he doesn’t initiate it, move on. Men don’t try harder later, if they are interested in a real relationship or dating, they put in the effort to meet you. Don’t “hang out”. You have plenty of time to hang after you like him and you’ve been on dates.
You are worth the effort, whoever chooses you, will see that. Don’t ask them out first.
I’m old fashioned and do want a man to initiate, be direct, and be confident. Those that are confident, like to pursue and I like to be pursued. So if this part of this advice isn’t true to you, it is ok! I know plenty of women that love to be the pursuer. But remember this, if you aren’t landing in a relationship (and that is your goal), start changing some of your dating habits to see if your outcome changes.
One of my least favorite dates was a coffee date. He said he was swamped but wanted to meet me. So I was flexible and said I’m happy to meet nearby his office. We went to a coffee shop next to his office, and not only did he not buy me a cup of coffee, but he also had his coffee already. He stood up to say hello and didn’t offer to get me coffee. When I went up to order, he went back to where he sat. I knew it wasn’t going to work right then, if you are too cheap to buy a cup of coffee, even if you didn’t like me, you’ll never be the man I want. A man I want still has great manners and realized I drove to meet where it was convenient for him. Long story short, I found out his wife left him and he had sole custody of his son, I learned a ton about him, and him not so much about me. Overall, his lack of effort in making time to have a better coffee date was a clear indication, he wasn’t into me. That leads to my next point . . .
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{5} Don’t worry about if he likes you, you need to like him!
Lead with this and try not to care if they like you or not! They don’t know you yet, after 1-2 dates, people ghost. Don’t spend the energy wondering why! You never know why.
Energy should not be spent on people that really don’t matter. If you had a relationship and broke up, of course, take the time to grieve. But after 1-3 dates, it’s better spent moving on. I’ve known my fair share of friends who want to talk about everything that happened and I didn’t even think they liked the guy in the first place!
Move forward, he isn’t right and not for you. Go into each date figuring out if you like them. That’s #1.
{6} Be sure they are single, ask a few key questions.
Ok, so these days, people are assholes. I have met a handful of men that are married that try to date or hook up. I started asking right away. If they said separated or divorced, I asked how long.
I’ve met married men, separated men, and men that have lied about how long the separation/divorce was. Unfortunately, these days, you do need to check the facts as people are dishonest.
{7} Limit the # of drinks you have.
Everyone has a different tolerance. Mine is low on zero food. I stayed way too long on dates when I didn’t eat. I love to drink so after two – I’m in for 6! I started eating before dates and limiting it to 1 hour which is 1-2 drinks.
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{8} First date – drinks or coffee
If you didn’t facetime, these are the safest dates. If you did facetime and you both were attracted to each other and had great communication, a dinner date is great. I wish I had done more facetimes in the past to lessen the waste of time on a date.
Several dates convinced me to dinner after drinks because I was starving and buzzed. These dates were not ones I was interested in . . . hence eating before drinks. That way I could say no and I was headed home.
{9} Don’t date a project.
That man you wanted to help, that opened up about all his issues, STOP. Is he solid, is he as amazing as you, is he emotionally and financially stable, does he have crazy ex stories, is he in debt, does he drink too much, is he upset about something constantly? All these are RED FLAGS. Solid relationships come from solid people. Believe me, I’ve been a project myself before. It took me years to be on solid ground and here I am! LOL. But I am a much better partner today than in the past. Plus I know what I want. Take the time to evaluate yourself and whomever you’re dating to make sure it is a good fit. Don’t rush, don’t make excuses, and remember, be happy!
My past: I’ve been with people with control issues, anger problems, drinking problems, abusive language etc. Believe me that I have experienced it all. I realized I was choosing people that needed help. I still struggle with this as I now feel wary about men. I probably analyze too much, but I certainly am making sure this doesn’t happen again.
{10} Be vulnerable and open.
I was the least vulnerable person out there the last few years and it took one of my best friends telling me and Jim to open my eyes. Talking a lot doesn’t mean I’m vulnerable. I thought since I was open about everything in my life online that I was super vulnerable. The talk that changed my life: Brene Brown’s Ted Talk about Vulnerability. Watch it here. It’s 20 minutes that changed how I approached dating and what I was attracting. After I saw it, I changed my behaviors and did start dating better quality people, I had a few one-month dating relationships until I committed to Jim.
{11} Believe what’s right in front of you.
Stop making excuses or telling yourself they are too busy or that nagging feeling inside that they may not be right can change. The person right in front of you, their actions, that is who they are. PERIOD. Don’t read into things, don’t imagine you are dating someone else, see exactly who they are by what they are doing.
It is amazing what I hear friends say about the lack of actions from their partners or dates. Why do we make excuses for these lousy people. Move on and find someone who is right and deserves you!
{12} Dress however you like.
Don’t be anyone but yourself. I was told to tone down, don’t scare the guy, be more conservative, etc. Why were people giving me this advice? Shouldn’t the man I want to be with, love that I dress up, love that I’m extra.
But dress differently, no. Be you, do you, that’s it.
{13} Have fun!!! Smile, laugh, be a flirt, and know you are amazing.
Don’t get bogged down, have fun. Meeting new people can be fun. Kissing or meeting lots of frogs are part of the journey! Positive energy attracts positive things!
Try a new restaurant/bar each time. Make it an outing.
{14} Don’t Knock App Dating . . . .
It’s hard I know! I did it for 3 years. The ones I preferred were The League and Hinge. I know many people who have met on an app and got married! I do think it is harder now, the options, how flaky people can be, the ghosting. But I believe in putting out there what you want to come back to you.
If you are open to love, open to people, are comfortable in your own skin, make smart choices, and initiate dating with intention, you’ll find a great partner. I say this with the best intentions, but I have friends who are very negative about dating and relationships. What I see though is that the negativity breeds into their dating experiences and I also have experienced the same. When I watched the vulnerability ted talk, I changed how I was approaching my communication, body language, and made steps within me to put out what I wanted. For me, it worked.
{15} If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.
In life and love, this is something I live by. It is ok for things not to work out, for people to disappear from your life, for that opportunity to fall through. The right things will work out but keep pursuing your hopes and dreams. Life is unexpected (as we are all experiencing in 2020) and life is short. Live and love BIG.
The quote above, “There will be men that want you. There will be a MAN that deserves you.” I truly believe that and love does take time. My relationship has its difficulties, I love being honest about that. I demand what I give. Whether or not, you find the love of your life, or my relationship works, the 15 pieces of advice are how we should all look out for ourselves.
I have had more bad dates and funny stories than anyone I know. From someone showing me that my photo was their iPhone screensaver to running into several dates while on a date, and someone who asked to get a room on our first date! My most cherished relationship is the one I have with myself and having someone to share it with is a cherry on top.
xoxo
Jen
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Loved this post? Don’t miss my 2020: My Love Life and Answers post!
